PRETTY LIMPY
The legs are mostly rigid with just the faintest of a bend accentuating the obtuseness of wrecked, ramshackled knee joints. Struggling sneakers scraping the surface with each shortened stride as if the weight of leather and lace possess an insurmountable challenge to lift. The hips appear to have been cast in bronze rather than move with any familiar fluidity. Often accompanied by a bored, languished look from both limbs and features, these seemingly pained human specimens move through life in constant disagreement with gravity as if at odds with the laws of physics and space. Surprisingly, this is not the description of a severely injured car accident survivor or the portrayal of a proud senior citizen, back bowed and semi-decrypted, straining with nothing more than the momentum of time ushering them from shorter and shorter point A’s to B’s on tennis balls attached to walkers. In fact, what we read here is the common gait pattern of a modern day basketball player.
No matter what the age, no matter what the skill level, no matter how much playing time they get, there is a universal, undeniable, painful looking, semi-straight legged shuffle that all ballers embody once the kicks come off. This malfunction of movement is made more the maddening thanks in part to its glacially slow pace through each lurking, limping step and slightly slanted shuffling feet. Stiff looking shoulders and a bolted in place spine often add to the dramatic rendering of every physical therapist’s nightmare. It’s a sacrificial signal to the world that says, yes, I play basketball, no, I don’t believe in that stretching shit, and yes, I’ll give you 30 anytime, any place. Because on the court, when I’m not a sagging, shuffling, schlub, I am participating in some of the most dynamic movement patterns ever known to our species while engaging every major muscle group in this meat sack!
With that said, it is fair to assume that some of the aforementioned gait displayed by these ballers is an honest expression of the physical injuries and days after soreness they incur from the game they so proudly take part in. Like a badge of honor that is worn in every painstakingly slow step. A triumphant totter that lets everyone know that you are an over confident, confabulated, mirage of a “cool” person because you play ball at a wildly mediocre level and manage to injure yourself even then. There is a detached, insouciant attitude that states, I’ve been ballin’ therefore anything else I do today is simply an afterthought and can be done in the slowest, sloth-like manner possible. A basketball player that’s just played is never in a hurry. The hurrying part of the day is done and now is the time to move in a way that lets everyone know how they’ve engaged some seriously, scientifically proven muscle groups, without having to utter a single syllable.
Week 1: Season 9, Fall League ‘26
Some new kids on the block introduced themselves in dramatic fashion as they went full Whalberg’s and laid down harmonized vocals and susynced dance moves to keep hangin’ tough with the firmly established Killer Bees squad and letting them, along with the entire Swish league know, that Bev’s Ballers aren’t just some lame late ‘80’s boy band. Led on both ends of the dance floor by Carlos “Los” Quintana’s 19 pts, 4 rebs and 3 thefts the Bev’s do appear to be a boy band of ballers. As for the bruised buzzing Bees, they saw some serious venomous potential from young Donny “Shaggy” Rucker and his high nectar line of 11 pts, 14 rebs, a dime, a swipe and 2 ‘Tumbos. Final count, Bev’s win 68-45.
Those pudgy Bods of fatherhood looked well rested from the time off and decided to single handedly announce that monsoon season is officially over and shushed Silent Storm from the tip, en route to a 103-82 twamping. David “Spider” Jaramillo brought his own monsoon of 15 for 21 showering tre balls on the sun baked defense and notched 47 pts large to lead the dad van caravan into the sunset with no sign of storms in sight. The only portion of cloudy sky visible to the naked eye was Shawn “The Shusher” Daniels’ 25 fluffies, 3 boards, 3 dishes and 8 thefts.
Over at the overflow gym we had the depraved, decaying, Degenerates square off with those modern basketballers of the harwood, and this one played out the way each moniker suggested as the declining degens slowly succumbed to the fresh faces and novel hoop game. Speaking of fresh faces, newcomer Marcus “So Fresh And So Clean” Williams brought the remodel energy for Team Nuevo as he dropped 27 pts, 4 rebs and 5 dimes in the 89-84 win. For the probably gambling addicted, reprobates, “Super” Mario Archuleta hit a jackpot with 43 pts, 6 rebs and 4 dimes but the rest of the libertines were more or less a downer.
A Mob of in the zone maniacs managed to seemingly multiply at Desert Sage Academy gym around 8 o’clock pm and were just barely able to give relevance in a defensive slugfest. The most maniacal man in the fray was Andrew “Uncle Drew” Ellsworth dropping a Jordan(23pts), 3 rebs and 5 dimes. Eric “Coach” Martinez helped take charge late to seal the victory. The twin titans of Team Irrelevant were the opposite of the team moniker as Finn “High Flying” Coles “was” the point with 16 pts, 17 rips, 7 dimes and 2 steals while Isaac “Adonis” Shanley gave a non-chalant 25 pts feigning excitement to the related affair. Final count, Mob 67-64.
We wrapped up the initial night in Style with those mala and rosary rocking, clean cowboy boots sporting Santa Fe icons of the drip, as they cooled down the Heatwave with their super sick fashion choices and clean fades to the tune of 96-88. Cody “Him” Garcia played the southwest muse to the tune of 29 pts, 13 boards, 5 dimes and 2 swipes but everyone in the crew ate on this no dorks allowed game. The Waves stayed close all contest with a steady, sharing of shredding the gnar with Jeremiah “Reezy” Jacquez defrosting the chill and never wiping out with a 9 for 9 from the field and 18 pts, 5 rebs, 2 dimes.
Wednesday’s kick off at 6pm Mountain Standard time was Primed from the jump as those Amazonian monopolists of merchandise shipped same day smackdown with a near twamping of the competition and clocked a win, 65-46 over Zia Elite and their “not so” performance to start the sacred ceremony that is Swish basketball’s fall league. Kareem “The Dream” Masibuwa was rockin’ a rolex like Deion as he delivered 21 ps, 17 rips, a dime and a ‘Tumbo to secure the package. As for the Zia’s they did receive one four horse blessing from the Sun and life before succumbing to the monitizers of mercy as Oscar “Cap” Nuñez and his 18 pts, 3 rebs, 3 assists and single swipe provided the lonely ray of light this night.
When you order a green chile cheeseburger in New Mexico there are few options that compare to Blakes and the lottacombo, when you need a big game performance for a rec league basketball game few players deliver “a lotta more” than Blakes bucket getting captain, Isaac “Adonis” Shanley, as Nothing But Net found out for their first game of the season. Behind the Lottabuckets behemoth and his 47 pt, 14 rip, 2 dime effort those lovable pinstripe sporting, fry guys managed a spicy as fresh roasted, fall season green chile dub, 71-50. The rim excluders did get 24 pts from their captain, Martin “Smalls” Ortiz and his quick, crafty, team leading ways.
We are stacked and calling all available Units to the 505 Other League! We had a misdemeanor in progress for most of the match between Temu Drip and the area coded modules who were out enforcing the law of basketball at every corner of the gym to capture an 89-72 victory. Angel “Wings” Parra flew the highest with a 22 pt, 11 reb double double. For the tacky, budget friendly, click baiters, Frank “The Laser” Lazante did find some drippy merch as he shopped smart with 18 pts on 6 outta 10 long range sales, 6 rebs and found a dime.
Setting the bar high after their first run of the season, The Standard bench marked a 72-57 to start the criterion as Pick Up “a loss” Legends suffered in comparison to the yardstick. For the seemingly gold standards Bryan “Big Smoove” Enriquez dropped a conventional 19 pts, 10 rips and a dime to lead the norms. Good thing the Legends picked up Andres “Dre” Lovato and his 16 pts, 5 rebs, a dime and 2 steals to keep it respectful in the pick up hoop scene.
The Kings of kink were clocked in and on the job to close out our late game contest with impressive tongue and cheek control as they held court and momentum through a physical second half to slurp up the dub over the three letters of meaning. IPS couldn’t slow down Anthony “Ants” Salcido and his royal, rim, rocking technique as he amassed 23 pts, 9 boards and a swipe. On the other side of the ball, Jordan “The Dude” Duda did drop a 30 piece with a side of 2 rebs, 3 dimes and a theft to help quell the climax, but down the stretch we got a kneel to the Kings reign. Final score Rim Job Kings 78, Integrated Project Solutions 73.
The Solutions were back and solving equations as they integrated into project 35+ Unc night and were a unified acronym of efficient offense, netting 80 points to Zia Elite’s 56 blessing’s from the pueblo sun god herself. Leading the combined task masters was Gabe “Dirty” Sanchez with 26 pts, 5 rebs, 2 dimes and a filthy swipe, that bested the Zia “Average’s” top bucket getter, Oscar “Cap” Nuñez and his semi-elite 20 pts, 4 rebs and 4 assists.
One of the great synonyms of swish is “nothing but net.” The sharp shooting, needing no rim for the win fellas were back in action on Unc league night and they didn’t fare much better than their “Other League” showing, going up against a Mob of basketball enthusiasts looking to defend their championship from a season ago. Reigning MVP and Capone’s top hitman Andrew “Uncle Drew” Ellsworth was mowing down the nets with 25 pts, 9 rips and 6 dimes while the “sweetest sound makers” got a triple double from Julio “Super Sub” Rascon as he filled in and filled up the stat sheet amassing 30 pts, 13 rebs and 10 dimes to help keep it respectable, but in the end Mob’s muscle was too much. Final score, 100-63.
The former militant group of savage, Spanish conquistadors must have inspired this monikered militia of mildly talented rec hoopers to close out week one. Team Los Vets introduced their knee braces, grey beards, purple hearts y todo to the Swish league with some familiar faces and new geriatrics like Elliot “Do Tell” Teller who commanded the paint with a salute of 16 pts, 15 boards and 6 dimes powering the Vets battalion past Santa Fe’s Elite forces with relative ease and capturing a 76-67 victory. The A-listers of New Mexico’s state capital did get a semi-superior effort from Ryan Romero and his 15 pts, 9 rebs and 6 dimes but not enough for that sought after, first-class ticket to dub town. Final, Los Vets 76, Santa Fe Elite 67.
That’s week 1 in the books! With all 3 leagues starting and ending at the same time we can use a unified calendar again! How cool! Thanks for doing what all you hoop heads do.
Respect the game, Santa Fe Swish
*Sorry for any grammatical errors. This was written by a human. On a computer. But still...MoStly HuMaN.
